Hello there.
My name is 7854-8 and I am a recovering pushover.
It all started when I was a little girl, I had agreed out of the kindness of my heart to loan a dollar to a friend for a pudding cup. Next thing I knew, my citizenship to Pushlife was fast tracked and I was put into the pushover class. People started coming out of the woodwork to get me to do things for them. There was no trade or no reward for sticking my neck out for them and they were nowhere to be found if I had acquired the same assistance. Worse, it had become an expectation for me to sacrifice myself on a regular basis at the extent of my own existence.
Come 2015, I decided that I would no longer be a part of that life and went into the witness protection program. In exchange for my safety, I have vowed to fight for all the pushovers in Pushlife and testify against those who take advantage of the pushovers worldwide. To anyone reading this, there is still hope. We as pushovers must come together so we can give out our own justice to those who push us. The following people are not safe from our wraith:
1. The Royal Highness
Also known as the royal jack__ (Am I allowed to finish that?) , the royal highness thinks of him/herself as just that. They are rulers of all things and no things. They spend their days sitting on their humongous, cushy thrones and exerting their power on all those it is deemed worthy (or who just have something that the royal highness wants). The royal highness has no regard for human life that does not directly affect his/her own. To them, one does not simply accept the tasks that the royal highness has bestowed upon them, the ever-so-lucky prospect replies with”Excuse me while I drop everything that I’m doing to cater to your every need.”
Verdict: In the case of the royal highness and compassion for humanity, the royal highness is guilty of first-degree douche-bagginess and insanity because they actually believe the world is about them.
Sentence: An internship with no pay. Let’s see how well they can ride their high horse when they have to use both their hands to carry the Starbucks coffees of their employers. What a beautiful experience I’m sure.
2. The “How’s It Going?” Dude
The “How’s It Going?” dude is quite the slick bastard. He pulls you in with his presumed sincerity and empathy. He listens to you and responds accordingly. He’s more than happy to chat about recent events with you and open to a legitimate conversation unlike the Royal Highness, who would much rather sail to the Bahamas than stand there while you suck up all their precious oxygen. The “How’s It Going?” dude seem harmless and possibly even a friend. You come to care about this friend as well as their well-being. So when they come to you for a favor or request, you don’t think twice about saying no. After all, friends help friends, right? As time passes, however, their favors become more and more ridiculous as is their friendly nature. Often times this is when the “How’s It Going?” dude has obtained enough eloe to level up to the Royal Highness. “Can I have fifty cents?” becomes “Let me get two thousand dollars out of your college fund. You know you would only spend it on dumb stuff like housing, textbooks, and your future otherwise.” I’m exaggerating, of course, but not by much.
Verdict: Assault and battery on the friendship algorithm. (Sheldon would not be pleased.)
Sentence: All expense-paid trip around the world with Norbit‘s Rasputia Latimore. Taking advantage of the laws of friendship doesn’t seem so fun now does it? Whatever you do “How’s It Going?” dude, make sure you move Rasputia’s seat to fit her appropriately. She loves to reminded that you think about her being comfortable.
3. The “If, Then” Guy
Unlike those who got into the Pushlife starting from the above categories, the “If, Then” guy wasn’t always a douche-bag. He was once a law-abiding citizen in the world of friendship. He stopped and smelled the roses and helped the elderly across the street. Birds sung along with him as he praised through the meadows and valleys. But one day he woke up and the world wasn’t as bright as it used to be. For reasons unknowing to the pushovers (and often times the “If, Then” guy himself), the “if, then” guy all of a sudden goes into a rampage and goes to the dark side. Not because they had cookies but because through the Sith “If,Then” guy makes his presence known. He has to let the world know that he is around and worthy every so often because he himself doesn’t feel the same. He seeks to follow his own rules and make other do the same. As a result, it can also be said that the “If,then” guy is essentially a royal highness with an underlying psychological issue or the “How’s it Going” dude going through a bit of a dry spell as of late. The “If, then” guy was once a good egg but now spoiled. Still, the direct nature of the “If, Then” guy has led to lighter sentencing as he is the easiest one to break off. For example, when he says, “If you don’t write this two hundred page paper for me, then I will no longer be your friend,” a pushover can then at the moment actively decide which path to take as the pushover has been briefed on the consequences that lay on either side.
Verdict: “If, Then” guy was just a dude put a back position. He may be going through a lot in life and isn’t dealing with it effectively. Therefore, he makes up for the lack of control by exerting control on the pushovers.
Sentence: Psychological therapy and a Twix candy bar because this dude, indeed, needs a moment to get his life together before reentering the real world.
These three categories in the hierarchy of Pushlife are the bane of the existences of pushovers worldwide. However, the blame goes both ways as not only do are these people taking advantage of the pushovers but the pushovers also allow the damage to be done. Pushovers could have always said no or walked away but they stayed. Don’t make or even continue to make the same mistakes. We live in a world with more than seven billion people. Why stay and let one person treat you badly when there’s an opportunity to meet 1 out of 6,999,999,999 that could be nice and great in the same amount of time? Perhaps, I should rethink law school. It seems I have niche for social justice.