Single and Ready : The Art of Dating

Single and Ready

 

In 2016, it’s almost rare to find a man that still asks a woman on a date, and actually follows through. It’s crazy to say that the times we live in have changed the dating game forever. Where a man used to ask a woman on dates then picked her up, opened the doors, enjoyed her out for a few hours and returned her home with a simple kiss of gratitude, they’re now asking ladies to “chill” in its place. It’s a “not wanting to waste money on someone who isn’t worthy” mentality, and the saddest part about it is seeing women lower their value and conform to the popular “Netflix & chill” phenomenon.
Many agree that dating in this era seems pointless because men are only looking for sex and women only want the money. If we go to the time before cell phones and social media, dating was one of the only forms to meet new people. It allowed friends to set their friends up on blind dates. It allowed men to step their game up and come correct for a woman he was interested in. It allowed men to wear the pants as their woman proudly wore the skirt. Roles were not confused or switched during these times. And this created more dating then courting then possibly marriage.

Fast forward to the emergence of the internet and cell phones, and all sensible, single folks turned to internet dating sites and social media to “meet new people”. While cell phones and social media do connect like minds with other like minds, it tore down the art of dating and evolved it into this “smoke and chill”, “drink and chill”, or “Netflix and chill” era. At this point, a man spending his money on a woman who might not bed him doesn’t sound as inviting as that same woman coming over for Popeyes and a DVD.
Chuck Henderson of Wallstreet Insanity agreed that “hanging out and hooking up seems to be way more prevalent. Sometimes, this evolves into a relationship before you’ve even gone to dinner and a movie.” So where does that leave courting? Exactly where it left dating….in the past. Men are complaining that some women serial date just for free meals and movie trips, while women argue that most men serial date just to see who they can bed the quickest with no intention on anything but sex. With so many sex filled song lyrics, TV shows and movies in the 21st century, it’s no wonder that everybody has an ulterior motive when they meet someone new. Whether good or bad intentions, dating was created to help find commonalities in folks and figure out if forever is even an option with that person.
So how do we get back to what worked in the 1930-60s when people still believed in families and marriage? Easy! The first thing that must happen is people need to raise your standards and quite conforming to a person who just wants to “chill”. Single people also need to stop looking for sex in the wrong places and wrong people. Not to mention, women are incapable of having emotionless sex unless she’s being paid for her services. Sex is still an emotional attachment for every woman, especially those with their hearts on their sleeves.
Dating helps you get to know someone, figure out if they’re worthy of your time, love and presence, discover the commonalities between each other, and possibly move forward into a union. A smoke session with Dante isn’t a date; he’s more than likely trying to feel you out to see how fast he could bed you. Chilling on the block with your crush isn’t a date. She’s probably casing every dude out there to see who makes the most money. Pay attention to the signs because in everything we do, there’s a fair warning prior. If we’re trying to reintegrate family values into our kids, we must unteach then reteach ourselves the art of dating!
By Co Kane

Www.KanePresents.com

Moving On When You’ve Dated A Jerk 

  
  I’m sure we’ve been there. That one person we just can’t seem to let go although they were the cause of all of our pain. 
Well it doesn’t seem like that at first. In the beginning, they woe you in. They are attractive, they say all the right words you want to hear. Gotta love those smooth talkers ?!? You spend time together. Call and text you all the time just to let you know they’re thinking about you.  
Slowly, you become drawn to them like a moth to a flame. You become an addict needing and craving for that hit just to feel that high again. But this is usually the moment your drug supply has just ran out. 
The time you use to spend together becomes less and less. You start to wonder, what happened? Was it something you said or did? Now you’re chasing them like an overzealous fan who’s trying to track down a celebrity. You call and text , no reply or they take longer to get back to you. They hit you with the lame excuse,
I’m busy.”  
We know everyone has a hectic lifestyle with work, kids and school but no one is without a phone to place a call or text for a whole day. Like come on, who doesn’t check their social media! 
Usually, narcissists or just plain assholes, tend to do the “fade away” game after they’ve gotten what they want from you. Whether it’s sex, money or a place to stay. First of, don’t blame yourself. There’s nothing you can do to change these kind of people because they see no fault in their ways. Even if you try to call them out on it. They’re going to say your ganging up on them. This is when you open the door to let them go. Never try to hold on to these people. Never hold on to anyone who doesn’t want to stay; life is too short.  

  Find the good in goodbye. You may not see it now but you will thank yourself later on. Better is out there. 

Take a Dive: Going All-In on One’s Desires

Take a dive and go all-in.

I won’t lie to you. I’ve spent most of life playing it safe. Instead of taking my dreams and goals head on, I’d approach them indirectly. I’ve known for a long time now what I wanted to do with my life. It’s my dream, my calling if you will, to tell stories. My greatest wish is to share my imagination with the world through stories.

You’d think that within all this time that I’ve known, I would have progressed towards that profession in some way. Honestly, I haven’t done anything that is significant long term. Of anything, I have been going the opposite direction. This past week I’ve reflected on the matter and have come up with several reasons why I (and perhaps you) have not been successful in certain ventures.

  • You’re tripping off of what everyone else thinks.

Everyone has an opinion and everyone is entitled to it. That’s America for you. Yay first Amendment! With that said, everyone is going to have something to say no matter you do. No matter who you are people will let you know how they feel about you and your actions. Whether you fail or succeed, the Chatty Cathys and Talkative Toms will be there to spread the word. Therefore, as cliché it sounds, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. In simpler terms, like what Madea says, “It ain’t what people call you. It’s what you answer to.” Oh yes girl, I went there.

Take my approach to my education for example. Currently, I just got my A.A. in sociology. When people asked why I chose sociology for my major, I’d tell them, “Can’t make people laugh if I can’t understand them”. True but if I’m not directly applying the material that I’m learning, it’s just as useless. On paper being a sociology major was a great experience and opportunity to learn about people. Not only that but it also pleased the ‘rents if you catch my drift. In reality though, it was an was a way for me to play it safe instead of going directly after what I really wanted. It was a curtain for me to hide behind. Studying as a sociologist, I was able to learn facts and crack jokes with them every so often. It was somewhat close to what I wanted to do so I went along with it. After all, everyone would tell me that instead of being a storyteller and learning to perform, getting a legitimate degree in sociology would be better when being a storyteller doesn’t work out. I know now that this is incorrect. I can never be a storyteller if I’m too caught up in sociology. Just like a glass of water doesn’t pour itself. If I don’t put in the work to become a storyteller and instead put in the work as a sociologist. Odds are I’ll be a sociologist (and homeless. A little sociology major humor if you will.) Which leads me to another point. . .

  • You’re not prepared.

prepared

Get ready, stay ready. Skill doesn’t appear out of thin air. (Unless you’re playing Sims and use boolprops.) From the simplistic, repetitive ones to complex, applicable ones skills have to be developed. Were you born with the skill to make your own PB&J sandwich? No, you had to learn how to digest solid foods, appreciate the deliciousness of the PB&J, get other people to make it for you, watch them, and practice. Initially, you might make the mistake of using a knife for the jelly and a spoon for the peanut butter, you crazy animal you. Use too much jelly or not enough peanut butter. Both equally terrible sins in the sandwich making community. After a while, you get the hang of it. And when you get to be a professional like myself, it’s now like clockwork. You can even sprinkle some style over it if you wish. I like to use three pieces of bread when I make my sandwiches. You read that right. Sue me. Point is that you’ve got to be willing to put in the work and learn what’s necessary to level up to the next stage.

  • You’re too caught up in what was and/or what isn’t.

Rome was not built in a day and neither was the iPhone. Let us take a moment to fathom the amount of time that has passed in between the two events. Crazy, right? Imagine how people in Roman times would have reacted had they known the possibilities that were open to future generations because of the the decisions that they made on a daily basis. What would you have been like back in those times? Granted, you wouldn’t have the same opinions as you do now during that time. Thus, there has to be a reason why you were born in the time that you were. There’s a reason why you experience what you experience when you experience it. So you can take advantage of the current possibilities and reach your fullest potential. You are here now to experience now. Don’t let it pass you up. And don’t forget to laugh. Laughing gives +2 points towards happiness and success.

happy dance

Single and Waiting

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By Jessica Daniel

It seems like everyone you know is in a relationship. You may have friends who are dating right now or have gotten married to their soul mate, and you can’t help but wonder why you haven’t met your soul mate and why you are still single, especially when people around you ask “Why haven’t you met anyone?” That is a pretty common question that many people who are single get asked. I get asked that question myself sometimes as a young woman, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” and I just smile and say “I’m not ready for one yet.” I would rather be single and wait for the right one to come along than to rush and settle for the wrong one.

Many people believe that in order to be happy and whole one should be in a relationship. Some even settle for whoever comes along regardless of how he or she treats them because they want to be with someone so bad. The truth is, no man or woman can ever make you truly happy and whole or fulfill the deepest desires of your heart. It is up to you to find that true joy and fulfillment within yourself by discovering the one who gives you that joy and fulfillment inside of you, which is Jesus. Being single is a great opportunity for each of us to discover our self-worth and who we are in Christ. It is the most important time of our lives as we learn to love and feel good about ourselves and never settle for less because God has the absolute best in store for each and every one of us. He knows who our spouse will be because He set aside that special someone just for us. God knows and can truly fulfill the desires of our hearts if we learn to trust Him and wait for that man or woman He has in place for us to marry.

Being single and waiting for the right person for you is not a bad thing at all. In order to be ready for any relationship, you first have to feel content and happy with who you are as an individual. For me, being single is a time for me to grow in my relationship with God as He shapes and molds me to be the young woman He is preparing me to be for the man I marry someday. Until then, I am happily single and waiting.

Ladies, We Need to Talk: Women’s Town-Hall Meeting

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Ladies, we have some things to discuss.  Things have gotten completely out of hand in a number of different areas.  Because of this, I have decided to call a town-hall meeting.  Now, I know that some of you are reading this and thinking, “Who is she to get us together?  Did we vote her into office or something?  If so, then I demand a recount!”  I’ll address those concerns now.  No, I was not elected into office, and I certainly don’t speak for all women, which is why this is an open forum; please leave your comments in the comment section below.  I am, however, a concerned member of the community of women, and as such, I felt it my duty to bring these concerns before you.

Concern #1: Unity amongst women. If I hear one more woman make the statement, “I just can’t hang around women because they bring too much drama, so I just stick with the guys,” then I’m gonna scream.

Message: Men do not see you or any other woman as just “one of the guys.”  While it is true that men may be able to carry on platonic relationships with women, the women in these relationships don’t share an equal position with their homeboys.  Men regularly practice the “bros before hoes” mantra.  If you don’t believe me, then see who’s back your homeboy has if his boy is caught cheating.  Even if he’s friends with the girlfriend, your homeboy will be loyal to the guy.  Why…because the fraternity of men is stronger than the sorority of women.  We need to change this.  If they wanna live by the “bros before hoes” creed, then we need to take up the “chicks before…” well, you get the point.

Concern #2: Stop antagonizing our single sisters. This sort of builds on concern #1.  Being single is a choice and not a disease or disorder to be treated, so we need to stop treating our single sisters as if there’s something wrong with them.  After all, everyone was born single.  Some may want marriage; others may not, but it is their choice, not their burden.  Additionally, married (and coupled) sisters should stop treating single sisters as if they are all desperate, immoral pariahs; in other words, stop treating every single woman as if she is checking for your man.

Let’s keep it real, half the time you’re not even checking for him, so what makes you think that someone else is?  Although there are always women who prey on taken men and vice versa, everyone isn’t like that, and it causes a strong division amongst women when single women are isolated and unfairly branded with the scarlet letter.  Let’s get it together, ladies.

Man Eater (1)

Concern #3: Respect other people’s relationships/situations. This is gonna sound like I’m backtracking from my last point, but I believe in addressing both sides of any situation.  While I do hold that single women get a largely unfair share of criticism from married/coupled women who believe that they are trying to steal their men, I also believe that many women aren’t respectful of other women’s relationships.  This goes for single, married, and coupled women–all of us can share in this disrespect.  For example, I often hear women say, “Don’t get mad at me; I’m not in a relationship with you. Get mad at your man.”  This is stupid, and we need to stop.

Yes, the person who’s in the relationship has the greatest responsibility, but that doesn’t absolve the other person.  Truth is, that other person was interfering and disrespecting their relationship.  Period.  We can argue back and forth about this, but the truth is that every woman reading this would see it my way if they were the one being disrespected.  To see it differently is to be selfish and disrespectful.  It doesn’t uplift women, and it encourages cheating.

The truth is that we have been bamboozled and fed lies by some self-serving and selfish man.  This man perpetuated a lie that there was a man shortage and subliminally encouraged us to “share.”  When the truth is that there are six billion people in the world, and slightly less than half of them are men.  There are men everywhere waiting on the woman of their dreams, and we pass by them every day.  The man shortage is a scam designed to benefit men who otherwise wouldn’t be able to be a playa.  It’s ridiculous, and we shouldn’t buy into it because it is harmful to our community of women.

Quite frankly, there are many more concerns that I have, but I only have the platform so long, so I’ll take this moment to pass the mic to the next sister.  Please address these concerns, and also add any additional concerns of your own in the comment section.  Thank you and have a great day.

Much Love,

Jenene

My Hypocritical & Totally Unsolicited Marriage Advice to my Single Friends

For a little less than a week now, I have been a married woman. I met the love of my life and married him in front of all of our family and friends. To be honest, I still haven’t truly come down from all of the events: bridal shower, bachelorette party, wedding, and reception. As a matter of fact, I’m writing this piece on our honeymoon, while my husband sleeps; it’s really been a wild ride. Between all of the pictures, presents, and posts on social media, one could get a little caught up and forget about reality. What do I mean by being caught up? Please allow me to explain. I’ve found that a lot of people turn into relationship experts on being single once they become married. The woman who has only been married for five seconds suddenly has the key to being “single and satisfied” (ugh I hate that phrase), and is full of unsolicited advice for all of her single girlfriends on how to land a great husband. Well, at the risk of being hypocritical, I’m going to attempt the same feat and offer every single person my unsolicited advice on marriage, and here it is. WAIT.

Yep, two days into my honeymoon, fresh off my wedding week, I am giving that type of advice, and here’s why. When people first meet someone, the representatives are in full effect and few people are being their true selves. In short, you’re not meeting the real person; you’re meeting who that person wants to present to the public. This isn’t new information. If you’ve been dating for any period of time, then you’ve figured this out already.

Having a “representative” isn’t necessarily a bad thing. People do it all the time, even outside of the dating scene. For example, if you’re on the phone with your girls (or boys) talking about your plans for your getaway to New Orleans, then the conversation would be very relaxed and informal. If, however, your boss (or a prospective employer) called on the other line and you clicked over to take the call, the conversation, even your tone of voice, would change to a more formal and professional manner. We’ve all seen mothers do this while fussing at one of the kids, only to change to a calm tone while answering a business call. It’s called code switching, and it’s perfectly normal.

The only problem with code switching as it relates to dating is that often, we fall in love with the representative and not the real person. We start buying the cover or the “code” and are completely blindsided once the real person is revealed. We start hollering, “Oh you’ve changed,” when the truth is that they just couldn’t keep up the facade any longer.

And don’t get me wrong; I’m not dogging people and discouraging relationships. (Hello, I just got married!) What I’m saying is that everyone should wait before committing their emotions to a person and a relationship. Why? Because in the words of my daddy, Apostle MJ Carter, “You gotta give crazy a chance to show up.” Everyone. And I repeat EVERYONE has a bit of crazy. Everyone has some things that aren’t all the way straight. Everyone has a bit of game, and everyone (to a certain extent) is selfish.

The thing is that most people aren’t gonna show that up front. They’re gonna give you the lovable representative that’s easy to fall for, so that you end up committing all of your time and energy to the relationship. Then, 3-9 months later, after you’ve put in a serious investment of your time, emotions, money, and so much more, then they’ll hit you with the real. Something will happen that will literally knock the wind out of you (and not in a good way). But because you will have invested so much into this relationship, it’ll be hard to walk away. Additionally, you may even believe that this behavior is just a fluke, just a one time occurrence because, after all, you’ve never seen this type of behavior from this person, so it must just be a fluke. But you’re wrong. It’s not a fluke. It’s the beginning signs of the representative exiting the building. Like my dad said, “You gotta give crazy a chance to show up.”

What does this quote mean? It means people aren’t gonna come straight out with the crazy, and everybody has it. Instead, they’ll put on their best manners, and be on their best behavior. The good part of this is that people aren’t able to keep up this facade forever. Eventually glimmers of the true person will show up before the full on truth comes out. This is why waiting is so important. You have to wait long enough to see what type of crazy that you’re getting (because believe me that EVERYBODY has it). After you’ve seen exactly what you’re getting, then you can make an informed decision.

The problem with most people is that they make the decision to commit to a person and fall in love BEFORE the crazy is revealed. Then once the final shoe drops, they’re too invested in the relationship to walk away even if the crazy is something that they hate. That’s why waiting is important.

I don’t say this as some recently married woman who has now become the oracle on dating and single life. I say this as a serial monogamist who frequently committed way too early in relationships, only to find myself romantically attached to a monster. If I were to chronicle the drama and the war wounds that I’ve collected because of my behaviors, it would be a best seller. (In fact, one day I might lol!) The truth is that I am writing this out of a moment of self-reflection. People tried to give me this same advice earlier in life, and I didn’t listen. Because of it, I had to endure much more than I should have.

Now, in my moment of reflection in my time of peace and happiness, I am looking back on my past and hoping someone will be smarter than I was and heed my advice. Wait. If you need any further proof, remember this. No one ever complains about taking too long to marry someone; the opposite can’t be said.

Much Love,

Jenene