I couldn’t believe this was now my reality. I knew I shouldn’t have been with him. His sister tried to warn me. Why didn’t I listen? How could he have given me this? He knew, he fucking knew! He ruined my life. I was a pregnant teen now living with HIV. What the fuck would I do now? My parents are strict as shit and I don’t even know how to tell them this awful news. How would I face him at school? How can I face anyone at that school? I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. My life was over. I couldn’t bring a child into this world. Naw, not like this.
I walked into my house and couldn’t get over this no matter how hard I tried. I listened to music but nothing worked. I paced around the living room growing angrier. I ran into the bathroom and vomited repeatedly. The sheer shock of this information had my stomach unsettling. As I attempted to stand up, I stared at my reflection. I was no longer the same person. A piece of me died. I felt no life inside of me. My life was ruined all because I wanted to have sex with a guy I was interested in. There was nothing wrong with that.
Jeffrey should have opened up his mouth and told me about his disease. He was a selfish bitch who only thought of himself. I hated him. I hated myself for allowing this to happen. The longer I stood at the mirror. I couldn’t take it anymore. I looked around the room and I picked up a small bag of rocks and threw it hard at the mirror until it broke. I punched walls over and over again while blood dripped from my hands. I had to talk to him. I had to confront Jeffrey. I didn’t know how my life would turn out because as devastating as it is. I’ll never think I’ll bounce back from this.
Okay, So as you all might have seen last nights airing of VH1’s Love and Hip Hop Hollywood. It started off with a very emotional Amber as her long-time best friend Miles precedes to “come out the closet” during a counseling session. She runs out the door screaming and crying. Yelling, “I knew it! Everybody was right about you!”
Now a shaken up Miles must consider was coming out to his bestie the best decision for him. It doesn’t get any better once his family finds out his secret too.
Although, it does appear that the gay agenda is often shoved down our throats through mainstream media. I did feel a little bit sorry for Miles. As I can only imagine what it could be like to live a lie, knowing you are holding back who you really want to be just to feel accepted by people.
But at the same time, I do believe VH1 is playing on this. I’m quite sure there are plenty of gay men AND women in the entertainment industry. They just don’t let the media into their bedroom so it won’t stop there cash flow and I must say I understand. However, I enjoy watching the Love and Hip Hop franchise but I do wish they’d hire some new writers because too many of the same characters have the same storyline and it gets boring & old fast.
Perhaps there is a double standard between homosexual women and men. Although, sometimes not right the world seemed albeit more acceptable of Erica Mena and Cyn Santana relationship versus Miles & Milan’s relationship. Maybe the sight of two men in the bed together just was too much for some people to digest.
I do hope that people find the courage to be who they really are. The only thing I can’t respect is “double dipping”. Which is being sexually involved with both a man and a woman. DL individuals need to be true to themselves so we can stop the pain and disease rate.
I respect Miles for telling Amber the truth no matter how hard it was for her to accept. Besides I don’t believe he saw her as anymore than a friend anyway.
I’ve been dating a new guy, 28 (I’m 32) for the past 6 months. He is a stripper. He was NOT in this industry when I met him. He repeatedly assures me of how professional he is in the workplace and promises he is always faithful to me. Recently I surprised him at work and caught him making out with a customer. Although he had had a few drinks and it didn’t mean anything to him (supposedly), I just can’t get past it. Is it right for me to ask him to quit his job for the sake of our new relationship? Or do I just let him go being that it’s so new? I really do like him and see a future with him, other than his current career choice. He swears nothing like this will ever happen again. But being in that industry– I’m no dummy. What should I do??
In lust and confused
A: Dear In Lust and Confused-
If you’ve been dating this guy for 6 months and he’s already changed careers at least once, I immediately wonder how stable he is. Stability is something we women usually seek in men and if he can’t provide that, I wonder what type of a boyfriend he makes. Also, if he wasn’t in this career when you first started dating, what prompted him to go into this type of work? Did he discuss it with you initially or how did it come up? I don’t think the job itself is the major issue in this scenario. There are a couple issues in play. The fact that he needs to repeatedly reassure you of his behavior and you showing up at his work as a surprise indicates to me that there are existing trust issues in the relationship or within one, or both of you, individually. If you feel that the issue/s within your relationship is more oriented toward trust, I would suggest you both seek counseling individually. One, or both of you, might need to focus on healing yourselves before you can be in a relationship. This doesn’t mean something is ‘wrong’ with either one of you, this means that there could be existing issues that are standing in the way of your happiness. No matter how you feel about this person, your happiness supersedes. You deserve to be happy! Make a list of important qualities (top 5) you seek in a partner and see if this person qualifies. Remember that you have not been with this person for an extended time and your heart will heal if you choose to walk away. Also, there are people out there that will qualify in all of the areas you desire to have in a partner. Don’t be afraid of the new and unknown. Sometimes it is worth the struggle to really find what we want in life and be happy! Take a chance on yourself.
Every night I had to hide. Every night I had to hide from the pain I felt inside. I had to escape from the world I was in. The days he, my father would come home drunk, yelling and screaming as my mother would leave me alone with him as she rushed off to work as a District Attorney or so I thought. She didn’t give a damn about the misery I endured at home. Tonight like any other of his drunken nights, would be the day he would strip me of my innocence. Every night he’d come into my room, to kiss me good night. But those visits seemed so unnatural. The things he did, the things he wanted me to do.
“I’m going to teach you to be a woman,” he said.
I was only thirteen and was scared shitless of him. I knew what we were doing was wrong but what was I suppose to do? Yell, kick, scream then he may kill me too? I watched him unbutton his pants. I clinched the sheets, feeling a strong nerving feeling flow through me. I had never seen a penis before and I certainly never wanted the first one that I saw to be one of my own fathers’.
“Touch it, grab it and hold on to it,” he orders me. Frozen in fear I did nothing but look at him until his voice grew louder and with more anger, he took my hand and wrapped it around his penis. I let out cries of sorrow but he just slapped me and told me to “grow up.”
“I’m going to make a woman out of you.” He often repeated to me. “This is what makes you a woman. Now lay back as I put this inside you. You going to be a real woman, not like your mother that selfish bitch,” he tells me. I begged for my father to stop. I even tried to kick him in the groin but he punched me in the face and tells me to be a “good girl.” I hated my father for continuously taking my innocence away from me. I was never the same after what he did. I cried, screamed, shouted and pleaded for him to stop. I could feel every piece of me ripping apart as my father shoved his six inch manhood inside of me. I wanted to kill him and vowed to myself that one day I would. I resented my mother secretly for staying with a man so drunk, evil and crazy. I knew after tonight my life would never be the same again. He kissed me on the forehead as he fastened his pants to get ready to leave.
“Remember Danielle, if you tell anyone, they’ll never believe you. They’ll just say you’re lying,” he states to me as he walks out the door.
No One Would Listen
It had been almost two years later before I found the courage to tell someone what was going on between my father and I. I finally decided I would tell my mother. Surely, a good mother would stick up and support her child right? Hmmph, or so I thought, I found my mother working on some files buried on her desk, while tapping a computer keyboard in front of her. Slowly, I approached her with what was the hardest confession I ever had to make.
“Mom, can I talk to you about something?” I asked standing in front of her.
“Ugh, Danielle is this important, don’t you see I’m busy,” she replies with an attitude.
“It’s about dad.”
“What about him” She questioned annoyed as her friends tapped the keyboard, and eyes still glazed at the computer screen.
“Well,” I said, clearing my throat.
“When you are gone to work, dad does things to me,” I admitted.
“Does what things to you?” She says not batting one eye.
“He does things to me…he should be doing to you.” As quickly as the words poured out from underneath my tongue, my mother finally took her eyes away from the computer screen. That did it, that’s what got her attention. I just knew she would come rescue me from the dark hell I felt I was in.
“You lying bitch!”
“Always trying to seek attention, now if you don’t mind; I am very busy, Dani.”
“I’m not lying,” I yelled as tears rolled off my cheeks.
“He does this every night, you are gone. If you don’t believe me, ask him, ask him, momma!”
I painfully cried out as I tried hard to make this woman who gave me life believe me.
“Ok Danielle, what does he do to you?”
“He used to make me touch his penis, and then as I got older, he would come into my room at night while you were at work and have sex with me. I begged him to stop but he would just slap me across the face and tell me to be quiet. Please mom, leave this man, I beg of you for my sake?”
I pleaded with this woman to be a responsible woman and mother to do the right thing.
“How long has this been going on?”
“For two years,” I answered
“For two years…Why the hell didn’t you say anything?
“I was too scared. He told me not to tell you but I am tired of this. He is my father. I am fifteen years old. This is not right mom. If you don’t believe me ask him,”
My father had just walked through the door which meant soon it would be time for my mother to leave but not before we finally got to the bottom of this. I had hoped my mother would put him in his place. I was hoping his place would be on the corner of Woodward and 6 Mile.
My mother and I walked into the living room where my father was drinking a can of beer and staring out the window.
“Hello, Warrington, you got a minute? I need to talk to you about something ,” my mother asked my father.
“Um, sure, what’s going on?”
I waited in the kitchen while my parents talked I didn’t want to feel the awkward tension in the room. The conversation didn’t last long because, the next thing I knew my mother calls out to me.
“Danielle Latrice Turner, get in here right now!”
“Yes, mother,” I said, as I entered the living room but before I could figure out what was going on. I was greeted with a hard slap across the face. I broke out into tears as I grabbed my stingy face.
“What the hell did I tell you about lying Danielle? Now he tells me, you’re going around being fast with boys at school and you wanted to cover it up before you got into trouble. Well, Danielle, I have no damn tolerance for this nonsense. You brought this on yourself. Stop lying. Are you acting out for attention or something? I’m leaving for work now. I swear girl, I just don’t know what’s wrong with you.”
“Mom, I’m not lying and I’m not messing with any boys at school. Mama, please believe me,” I begged.
“Danielle, that’s enough!” my father interjected.
I looked at him and rolled my eyes with anger. How dare he say I am lying he is the cause of all of my pain. My mother grabbed her briefcase, gave me a disapproving stare and walked out the door. I tried to run out after her.
“Mom, please don’t leave me alone with him. I beg you, please stay home today.
“Danielle, please, get yourself back in the house,” I watched her drive off into her car as I stood on the porch too afraid of what to do next. I tried to sneak away down the street but before I hit the stairs my father called me back into the house.
“Oh, no,” I thought.
I went back inside going against my gut feeling. I should’ve kept walking. He told me to shut the door behind me. His eyes were stern and I could tell he was furious that I had told mom about our dirty little secret.
“Didn’t I tell you not to tell anyone about our secret?” He questioned frustrated.
“Didn’t I?” he repeated.
“Yes…” I answered as my father hit me so hard across the face I fell to the floor.
“I’m going to teach you a hard lesson about keeping secrets,” he said. I watched him take the belt from his pants off. I tried to make a run for it, to try to lock myself into my bedroom but my father caught me halfway up the stairs. He dragged me into my parent’s bedroom and locked the door. He shoved me onto the bed and told me he was going to make me pay for telling on him. He pulled down my pants and forced himself inside of me from behind. I let out small wails of agony and pain. My father was relentless when it came to destroying the purity I was supposed to have. I was only fifteen and already had the sexual capacity of a grown woman. I hated my parents; my mother for never sticking up for me. It was almost as if she knew what was going on between us but didn’t care. My father; for raping me of a childhood because he would rather torture me instead of stick his dick in some old woman. My parents were two messed up individuals. But why did my life have to suffer for it? This is the day I decided to take back my life. I told my mother and she did nothing. There was no way on God’s green earth would I allow this to continue. I’m ending this once and for all. By any means necessary. Danielle Latrice Turner is getting the little piece of happiness they took from me. My father was going to pay for being a sick and mentally disturbed pervert if it was the last damn thing I did.
He finally tired himself out and collapsed on the bed, falling asleep, the sick bastard. I got myself together and quietly left the room as my silent cries shielded the pain I felt inside but not before I grabbed one little thing from on top of the closet shelf. I unlocked the door as he lay in the bed knocked out. I left with something that I knew was going to help me get my life back.