Recently, I just finished up a project. Man, did I learn a lot about myself and people upon completing it. I know I am a better person for it. A better team player. But now I have taken on a new project, a solo one. And to be honest, it hasn’t been going anywhere so far. The paradigms are so askew and I feel lost. It seems as if either I missed that life lesson on the foundations of goal setting or there is a major conflict of interest in my personality and philosophy. When doing the group project, I held myself accountable and responsible for the tasks that were at hand. I had people depending on me to get the job done and I was not going to let them down. I would contribute beyond what was necessary to the collective effort to ensure success for my ensemble. Now, that I’m working alone I fear that I may not be motivated enough to finish this.
Throughout my life, I’ve always put other people before me. I would think of it as my duty, my calling of sorts. Giving up my needs and desires in place of someone else’s is something I do without blinking. Doing something for my benefit, however, brings me great guilt and doubt. I feel like I’m being selfish and don’t deserve it. Perhaps that is why this solo project is so good for me. Lately, these last few months I’ve been a been askew. Things have been changing so much that I can’t keep up. Usually, I’m all for change. For that reason, change was normal to me and I was accustomed to it. I moved a lot, was surrounded by different people and environments. I learned to survive in every one of them.
In this project, however, I am not obligated to finish it, If it doesn’t get completed, no one will care I’m sure except me. The only motivation and accountability comes from me, at least for now. Perhaps I should feed on the fact that humans are social creatures and tell people about it. Maybe that will motivate me to finish it because I wouldn’t want to leave them hanging and have that awkward “See What Had Happened Was….” conversation. I’ve had more than my fair share of awkward conversations and am probably due for more due to my nature.
Is this a sign that it was not meant to be or it is an obstacle? When traveling upon like I, I can’t tell the difference. I do know that if someone came to me in my position, I’d tell them it was an obstacle. That it can either be figured out as they went on or they could call a quits right now and be off with it. As much as this obstacle is the bane of existence, the thought of not completing this is unlivable. It has occupied my mind for years. So, I figure let’s do this and see what happens. If anything, there’d be more space in my head for even more crazier ideas. In theory, this is fantastic. In practice, well, you get this article.