I cannot believe that I am going here. Of all the places and things to write about. It pains me to discuss a topic as this. There is a saying that “home is where the heart is”. I don’t know who said that but in my experience that’s just a bunch of B.S.
Let me be clear. I’m not into romance. That lovey-dovey crap makes me want to leave the room ASAP. I don’t like roses unexpectedly arriving at places that I frequent along with notes containing poems you copied and pasted from the internet. Some people say, “Aw! How cute! He must really like you if he’s putting in all this effort to woo you!” I say, “What the hell am I supposed to do with these?” Oh nice of you to give me a chore for the next week. Now I have to take the flowers because if I don’t I’m drawing attention to myself as the “douchebag”. Then I have to take them home and water them every day because if don’t then every day the people who seen me with said flowers will lecture me on flower biology and social etiquette. If you see me watching a chick-flick, it is merely to incorporate modern popular culture into my comedic material. Some people are allergic to peanuts, I am allergic to romance.
Now it’s doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know where this is going. Irony seems to be the only thing I am good at these days. There is another human being. (By default, as it takes two to tango, right?) I’ve only known of him for a short time but in this about of time a lot of weird stuff has been happening. I don’t understand it, completely. All I know is that whenever he is around albeit physically or in my mind, I feel. . .different. I am not accustomed to this attachment.
Usually, I detest the awkward, limbo-like phrase. Being lost in my mind for reasons other than my own pleasure. So I skip it altogether. I am a very simple-minded young lady…er ah….female-like creature. Occasionally, I am fond of someone. It doesn’t go beyond physical attraction. I was under the impression that people are temporary. No sense getting to know someone and getting attached to them specifically. That person will be replaced by some just like them with a different face in due time. For this reason, I don’t get attached to people. At least, I didn’t. Whenever I felt attracted to someone, I let them know. I don’t play those kinds of games. Time spent beating around the bush is time that could be better spent playing WoW or Borderlands. I have many a XP to get and random dudes from various countries to snipe online. A simple “I like your face” to their face will have to do and it usually gets the job done. It means no more or no less. In fact, people often appreciate the originality. Makes them feel special. Either way, in my case it is done. There. Clean-cut. I am not concerned with whether they feel the same. As asshole-y it may seem, I could care less. “Then why tell them at all?” you say.
I tell them because as shallow as my fondness was, they were still feelings. These feelings were at the highest point in the spectrum of what emotions I was capable of at the time. If I was fond of someone, I was at the highest of my emotional capacity. I was sure that for the rest of my life nothing would go beyond that. I wanted to dwell on that. Perhaps if I apply the move enough then eventually I’ll have enough experience to level up. Besides, what did I really have to lose? The worst case is inevitable even in the best circumstances. They will leave. It’s only a matter of when and where. I have the track record to prove it.
With this particular human being, these feelings extend beyond that. I figured I had just leveled up and expanded my emotional capacity. Still, I took on the same methods and I confessed to this. Apparently it was neutral. After that I didn’t see much of him. Between school, work, and life projects, perhaps we both were just busy or we just made it that way so we didn’t have to deal with it. Regardless, I wasn’t considered with the how. It’s the what that worries me. Fast forwarding to the present and these feelings are still here. It is not my nature. I haven’t spent any time with him. He is essentially gone so it is irrational to feel this way. With that said, something is out of line. I have two options. One is to continue on with my system and take a blow to its accuracy. Or change the system. As time goes on it seems that a new system is in order. It is a new option. One that I had not considered until now.
My social recklessness has also been on the decline. Under normal circumstances, I do not hold anything back because people are temporary. If they don’t like it, they will leave. If they like it, they will leave anyway because of another reason. It is inevitable. They will be replaced. Whenever I interact with him, though, I am not reckless. I try to carefully consider other variables. I don’t want to hurt his feelings or impact him negatively without a good enough reason. I value him as a person, comrade, and potential lover. He is in essence irreplaceable and I will be very sad when he leaves. Often times I try to make people laugh because that is my only means of socialization. When I’m with him I’m just being myself and take pleasure in his company.
But I don’t see the point in making this known without a plan to put it in action. Sure, I have feelings but what do I want out of it? That’s like buying twenty-two paint cans and then figuring out what to do with them. It’s backwards. Plan to paint the house first and then buy the paint cans. I’m not saying that I want to marry the guy and run off into the sunset on a stallion or anything. It’s safe to say that neither of us want a relationship. I have a general sense of his reasons (The ole’ heartbreak can be a very effective force of negative reinforcement.) He does not know mine and perhaps that is unfair. I don’t know if thing is done. Maybe it is and I haven’t gotten around to that part or I’m in denial. It’s been months. I was positive that these…feelings would have blown over by now. Statistically, that’s what happens. But they haven’t changed.
I won’t bore you with additional details nor continue to spread this lovey-dovey crap all over your screen. That’s just rude. I only convey the bare minimum because my lack of experience in this matter leads me to this one question: Is this normal?