Q: Dear Simply Sonsie-
My husband and I have been married for 9 years and, for the most part, have gotten along pretty well. However, about two years ago, we had some financial difficulties because he was laid off. He lied and told me the mortgage had been paid when it hadn’t; there were other problems, so we separated for about 8 months. During that time he quickly found another woman. We’re back together now, but I can’t get his affair off my mind. I feel betrayed. How do I let go of this? Jealous Jenny
A: Dear Jealous Jenny-
Betrayal is difficult to get past no matter what. Although it’s really hard, try for a moment to put yourself in his shoes. He may have felt rejected when you left and seeking someone else that ‘desired’ him might have been his way of putting a band aid on those feelings. While your way of coping may have been completely different, this was his way to cope with the feelings of separation. Try to remember that his actions were most likely not intentionally to hurt you or get back at you. There was probably little thought put forth in his actions, it was just his reaction to cope with his feelings he was dealing with. He likely feels a lot of guilt about not being able to pay the bills as well as the affair. None of which is supposed to ‘excuse’ him or to victimize him in this scenario. Let’s focus on the many positive aspects of your relationship, rather than the couple negative things; Financial issues and affairs often times break up a relationship entirely, the fact that you both are reunited and still together is a really good indicator of your connection. Also the fact that you know about the affair and he’s come forth about it is a good sign that he is ready to move forward from it all and focus on the future with you. This all being said, sometimes one just cannot get past an affair. If you empathize with this sentiment and feel that you will not get over this, it might be time to think about what happens next in this case. Are you both seeking therapy together? Understanding what he was/is thinking might help guide your thoughts one way or the other and find some resolution regardless of your decision and the outcome.
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